The past week has been one of the most emotional week of my life. I feel like an idiot on a daily basis trying to talk to the guy whom I love even today, even though he broke up with me. He still makes my heart skip when he initiates conversations on Skype, which he still does. I am being honest when I say I am depressed. I wake up in the morning and I find myself staring at the ceiling, blaming myself for everything that’s happened.
I stupidly admitted to the guy that he’s made my life complete, but now that he’s gone, I don’t feel that sense of wholeness anymore. Sure, I might have had a life before him, but I don’t know if people get it when you find this person and suddenly your life is changed forever… and that, this person becomes a part of you. If you lose him you lose a part of you… sort of thing. It wasn’t expected in my case as well, but I fell for him. I agree, I sound desperate, but it’s more about me being honest than desperate, if anything.
He probably doesn’t value me highly anymore, and finds me annoying moreso. I don’t know.
It still pains me knowing that he’s confused about his life, and that he doesn’t need me. I think the pain of knowing that he’s not happy with himself is more painful than knowing that he still likes me and I like him back, but we’re not allowed to be. Well, I shouldn’t hope, but that’s what he said, that he still likes me, and that I was the best he’s ever had. He’s worth so much to me… I don’t know if he’ll ever realise this. If we were still together, I would have understood completely if he needed time for himself if he explained the situation to me.
Everyday is a constant struggle. Work is the only distraction for me. I thought God gave me the happiness I’ve been longing for so long… but at the end of the day he’ll always take it back to teach me a lesson. Am I that bad of a person? Did I control his life that much that he wanted out? I may love him, but I made sure he had aplenty of time for himself and his friends.
He told me, “I don’t understand. You have time to relax and spend time with your family, make new friends, and do what you enjoy.” Honestly, the simple things we did together was probably the best part of my life last year. Just being together made me the happiest girl in the world. I stupidly confessed my feelings and his value to me. I think he doesn’t want me back. But the words “I still like you” still lingers in my head. I’m not sure about everything anymore. One week is too quick.
I can’t believe people are capable of not loving someone in a span of one week, after all they’ve been through.
I’m not sure about life anymore. I’m not allowed to be happy but my source of happiness is still with me. It’so close yet so far. It’s so obvious and yet it’s taboo.
And probably will be for a long while. This blog of mine is 95% personal and I have been ignoring it because of some current difficulties in life so far. It has been emotional, yes, and I am unsure of how long it will take before I accept it, but I will never get over it.
All I can say is, love is probably the most challenging thing for me in life so far. Even more challenging than my studies combined for the past 19 years of my existence.
I know I found him and I don’t want to let go because I am sure I’m way beyond infatuation. We’ve been through hard times and he’s the one that I feel the most comfortable with ever in my life. He’s the closest thing I have as a best friend and I value him way more than that.
I’m willing to bet my everything that this is love and I’m willing to wait, even if it is painful. I have to realise love is not all about the ups, and the downs will always lead to more happiness.
Sigh. I think I went overboard.
But I had to release some of my feelings.
I don’t know when I will be back. Probably when everything is ok, or when I need to release more of my unwanted feelings, or maybe when he stops loving me. I don’t know…
This is the most emotional thing that’s ever happened in my life. It’s worse than me losing myself and my identity, cause now, I know what I want but I can’t have it.