Enigmatic Documentation

Wow. It’s been a while since I posted something in this blog. A lot of things happened for the past month and it’s weird finding myself blogging about this thing again. I guess I am really into this guy hey, hahaha. Don’t worry, I’ll try to post something of my own interests other than love or relationship related stuff. Well, I am looking for an uncensored version of Left 4 Dead 2 but I don’t think that’s available over here in Australia. ;w;

That, and I want to buy the new FF game. Sigh.

Anyways, I know it’s obvious that this blog is sort of my Diary, although I don’t mind if people read this. Truly, my life is not that interesting so I’m surprised that people would even bother reading my trail of though, so to speak.

I’m quite happy that I guess the guy I really like and I… well we’re back together again. We met up on Monday and a lot of emotions were involved. Mostly the fact that I missed him, and that he did miss me back. We’ve come to an understanding that none of what happened should have happened, and it was both really bad timing for the both of us. I mean I was, I guess, tired and fed up that night, and he was going through a phase in his life where uncertainty met him; uncertainty of his near future and the inevitable. Honestly I didn’t wanna stop hugging him or kissing him. Yes, you are allowed to make fun of my gayness. HAHAHA.

We’ve been talking sort of normally lately, which I am happy about. Normally, like the “old days”. But, there’s something missing. He said “Honestly, we need a bit more time to adjust to this whole relationship lifestyle” a couple of nights ago, and it got me thinking.

One, a relationship is not a lifestyle, LOL. And two, I understand where he is coming from in a sense. I guess that whole 2-3 weeks of not being together, and added to that is the whole month that we weren’t able to spend time with each other because of family obligations, gatherings, and whatnot (it was in December so it’s the busiest time of the year for family) contributed to the way he lives his life now. He’s always with his friends, which is alright with me since he’s known those friends for a long time. But then some nights he spends time with his other friends who are also car enthusiasts. He likes cars; it’s been an interest of his since he was maybe 12 or 13… maybe even younger… well it’s been a long time. His interest in cars is like my interest in art as a whole, although his is more passionate by twofold. I guess he got used to a life of not really having me around. He was in that situation before we met each other, so it shouldn’t be a big deal… but it feels like it’s a pretty big deal for me, and I can’t really explain why. 

I’ve always been understanding and open, or I try to be. I like giving people space since I myself like space, especially when I’m in a very stressful time. I’m sure I’ve given him a lot of time with his interests and his social life, to put simply. I barely see him, but that’s because both of us work most of the time, and we rarely have a day to hang, just him and I. If we do hang, he has friends coming over, and I know they’re not taking him away from me, but they also just want to spend time with him and do all those things a typical male teen do, as funny as that sounds. Talking/texting to him is also a bit of a struggle. He’s either too tired or too preoccupied with other things, and it’s been a long time since we had a very long conversation… although the last one was very… uh… lustful, but also very cute and very nostalgic. He has problems with maintaining his car too so money and time are always his main struggles. In a sense, I think he’s being controlled by his car. Yes he tries to have time for everyone, but when he’s got free time, it’s always with his car. I sort of want him to at least buy things for himself that has nothing to do with his car. Almost all his pay goes to his car, and his necessities such as food and toiletries, and very rarely other things that he likes. There’s nothing wrong in working on the stuff you like, but being controlled by it is another thing. I sometimes wish that some random millionaire will give him the same car but with everything he wants installed on it, so then his monetary funds are saved for himself and his future spendings.

He did admit that he wants to be a better boyfriend. He wants to sacrifice time for me as I do to him. He’s sacrificing one of his work shifts the next weekend just to be my +1 for a little Valentine’s Day party hosted by my Singles for Christ people. I know how much he dislikes me being a part of it, and yet he’d come with me, and I think that’s really nice of him. When he has time to talk, he’s occasionally sweet and loving, or is disappointed about my daily life, which involves my affinity to [Adult Swim] and quirky films, my obsession in embarrassing myself on Facebook pictures-wise, most specifically dressing up as a hot guy, my daily trolling with friends, dealing with my (girl)friends’ problems by being their advice person, and me being easily amused with the world and what it has to offer. (I think there’s more but I can’t remember what they were) I don’t care if he’s disappointed about that HEEHEEHEE 8)

I guess we just have to learn how to get back to how we were. I think the fact that we don’t see each other much as we used to makes it difficult for us to figure out how we can be or will be. Then again, whenever I see him it always feels like nothing happened and we’re just in complete bliss. I blame our schedule and his problems with his car and other things that takes up his time (friends are okay). I did feel sorry for him when I saw him last Monday, he looked tired of “everything”. But, the moment he smiled he gave off this energy that I didn’t think he still had after seeing that he was in need of rest and in need of time for himself to ponder and to do what he really wants to do. He’s very honest about everything, and I think that’s a very reassuring fact that he does love me a trust me.

Funny how this picture is the very thing that I want for us. :P
Slowly but surely we will get there again. I’ve always had high hopes with us. I trust our feelings for each other. From the ups to the downs we still care for each other. Throughout all that he’s still the one I like.

I’m surprised of myself sometimes. I don’t know if I can say this but I really am strong and patient in a sense. I think it’s only for him that I’m like this, and that’s because I do think I am in love with him. And I feel it. When you love someone you want to struggle and be successful with them, and you really like them inside and out. I feel that with him. Whatever it is, I’m always here for you even in your darkest hour. <3